


By-Product of an Accidental Cupiding

by truelyesoteric



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-24 20:16:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14961461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truelyesoteric/pseuds/truelyesoteric
Summary: Saying that Chad was the most disastrous Cupid in the history of the world wasn't some kind of hyperbole or fancy figurative speech.





	By-Product of an Accidental Cupiding

**Author's Note:**

> Posting to AO3 from the way past. I wrote this way back in S5, when we were younger and more innocent. I am posting this on AO3 because I missed Chad tonight and I haven't posted this one here. So enjoy Chad.
> 
> (Please be gentle, this was written long ago, time were different)

Saying that Chad was the most disastrous Cupid in the history of the world wasn't some kind of hyperbole or fancy figurative speech. 

He actually was that terrible. It was like the sun being hot and bright. You just knew that it was hot and bright and if you ventured near it you were going to melt like a plastic army person. You took it for granted and tried to work around the potential doom.

For centuries most creatures in the know had tried to look away.

His mother was love; his father was chaos, so it didn't bode well from birth. He grew up clueless and curious. Back in the day when orgies were going on he was in the center of all that. Orgies were his specialty. Nobody did orgies like Chad. He declared himself the orgy god and nobody fought him on it.

Chad missed the Roman Empire something fierce. That was his heyday.

However since the social acceptance of orgies had waned, Chad became an embarrassment to the whole Cupid organization.

They tucked him in Hollywood because they figured nobody was going to find true love there anyway.

And heaven help everything above, maybe there he couldn't start another war or major international incident.

He hadn't been allowed near anything remotely powerful since Troy.

Hollywood was typically unimportant in the greater scheme. Chad could do as he wished in that vein. Things would happen like Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett. Or suddenly Chad would wonder about making the most beautiful child in the world and suddenly Angelina and Brad were making a mess of their marriages. Nobody really cared for all the buzz it brought.

Until Chad decided he didn't just want to flitter in and out of Hollywood, he wanted to be in it - as a real live boy.

Chad wasn't his eternal name; Chad was just the name he took when it was time for him to be a star. He was a god; he just appeared fully formed in the middle of Hollywood.

But it was on the set of his first substantial role that he made his first human friend in over a millennia.

For Chad making friends was a little frowned upon; his off-putting behavior was mostly encouraged. They would rather he not make friends because that is when he began the grand gestures. The last time he had a close friend there had been that nasty war all for the face of Helen of Troy.

But most people thought that was long ago, a once in a life time thing. First Chad had to get a friend. Then he had to give that friend something that was not supposed to be given away.

So they were a little unprepared for Jared Padalecki.

Chad had a new best friend.

And because he found something awesome and genuine in Jared he gave him the greatest gift that he could give. Chad broke command and shot his mythical arrow at Sandy. 

That was it; the girl thought that the sun and the moon rose on Jared's shoulders. She was kind and sweet and resilient and just about the greatest girl on earth. 

She was massively in love with Jared, and Jared wanted nothing more than her for the rest of his life, he was absolutely sure at twenty-three she was it for him.

Typically such a thing would be grumbled about but allowed. Sandy was the perfect girl. She just was supposed to be something in the greater scheme of mankind. That was the big issue.

Then Chad went and upped the ante. 

Jared was so head over heels and Chad got a little glimmer of happiness for someone else, which made him want his love. Chad was hardly altruistic, so he broke the rules again and took Sophia Bush because she was everything he wanted.

Creating love with Sophia was bad and became very messy, but it was just that - messy.

Creating intense love between Sandy and Jared nearly ended hope for humanity.

That isn't hyperbole or fancy figurative speech either.

**

Chad got tapped when he was leaving Australia.

In the weeks leading up to that he couldn't ever remember being so happy.

Deliriously so. 

Running around with Jared, causing commotion, getting what he thought was an alpha male dog, which ended up only having one testicle, and basically being the diva that he thought that he deserved to be, it was just like being back at Olympus again.

He wasn't so sure about the movie 'House of Wax', as a movie, but he had long ago given up on figuring out what humans found amusing. He was just in it for the good time.

Chad was in heaven. It was two and a half months of being a crazy kid. Something he had never been. The disadvantage of being born a god is that you typically emerged fully formed.

That was pretty much the only disadvantage.

He spent two and half months getting engaged, teaching his puppy to be a hell hound terror to make the gods proud, and messing with Jared about Paris.

In retrospect he shouldn't have invited Hephaestus to hang out for a week. The burning down of the set was a little much, but they rebuilt it and he tried not to let it worry him too much.

It isn't like it was directly his fault. Hephaestus was a wild drunk.

Chad pretty much dismissed anything outside of himself, but at the end of filming the ‘House of Wax’ he was unmanageable to live with. Since the beginning of time he was difficult and unable to really understand why the world didn't revolve around him, but being on set, being catered to and being in "love" had all, he thought that he was supreme.

He got off the plane and there stood a tall blonde baby faced man.

Chad's divine mother sure did stick with the clichés.

"Gaius," Chad said in a voice so fake he was sure that Ozzie knew it was fake. "How the hell are you? How long has it been? Hear you've been promoted, congratulations."

Gaius was thousands of years old and was excellent at communication and organization. He had some of history's romantic couples on his resume.

He hated Chad, who he believed, rightly so, was nothing but a nepotistic brat.

Chad could care less and just hated him on principle, taking great delight in torturing him, mostly with incompetence.

"You need to come in right now," Gaius said smoothly.

"I've got to go home and shower," Chad said petulantly.

Gaius smiled plastically and snapped his fingers.

Chad found himself sitting in Gaius' office, which overlooked Paris.

"Fucking cliché," Chad muttered and pet Ozzie, who was none too happy to be there.

"Chad we need to talk about Sandy," Gaius said, trying for civility.

"She's a great girl," Chad said with a smile. He wasn't stupid; he just played so in real life. "Jared is a lucky man."

Gaius' smile increased in falseness. "Yes, Chad he is. However, he isn't the one that she is supposed to be with. There are things that go on in the world and there is someone else."

Chad faked shock. "I think they're perfect."

"For fuck’s sake," Gaius said, becoming something more menacing and less put together. "Drop the bullshit. You took what was slotted for someone else and it is going to ruin the Plan."

Chad sat up, no longer lazy, more the thousands of years old being he was.

"Well you know what," Chad said coolly. "Nobody showed me the Plan, so I have no idea what it is or what it means."

"You know the Plan," Gaius said angrily. "You were there when it was invented. You put in the whole royalty never having love thing because you didn’t want them to have love and power. Then you spent the rest of the time teaching hellhounds to fetch. You take every chance you get to screw with the Plan and try to ruin it."

Chad sighed like he was working with simpletons. "It isn't a big deal. I just shot her. It’s just love."

"You used the Eternal Love shot," Gaius said very annoyed.

"I didn't use the Epic Love Shot," Chad said petulantly.

Gaius stared at him incredulously and he lost it. "Because you aren't allowed to, you are specifically banned from even knowing where it is."

Chad glared at him. "Do you know who my mother is? She is not going to like this; she wasn't pleased about my banning of the shot."

Gaius' eyes nearly popped out "Your mother was the one who banned you. She doesn't want you to have something that permanent."

Chad smiled. "See, I just gave him some happy, nothing permanent."

Gaius spoke through clenched teeth. "You made him fall in love with a girl who is supposed to happily live with someone else. The future of peace and prosperity depends on it and the children from their union."

"Since when do we care about this?" Chad asked flippantly.

Gaius glared. "She. Is. Not. For. Him."

"Okay so who is Jared supposed to have?" Chad said defiantly. "He deserves somebody great. He's an awesome guy."

Gaius glared. "Give him anyone else, he doesn't matter."

"He matters to me," Chad said his eyes slits, he did not like people threating his wants. "Here is the deal. You will bring me people and I will see who is good enough for him. Find me someone who can love him more than Sandy and then give me the Epic Shot. But I will not override the Eternal shot for anything less."

"That is not how it is done," Gaius said, about two seconds from losing his shit. “You know this isn’t how it is done.”

Chad smiled. "Only I can override Sandy's heart and now it belongs to Jared. So unless you can get her to fall in love naturally, and you know how humans loathe doing that, you better find my boy someone better before I'll take it off."

Gaius was fuming and Chad was very pleased with himself.

He wasn't surprised when he was dropped in the middle of a sketchy street. Chad sighed. Just another day with the co-workers.

**

"Dude you have to meet Jensen," Jared was saying on the phone. "My new co-star. I mean he's classy and shit, he drinks his beer out of a glass, always, even when it comes in a bottle, but he might like you anyway."

Chad was looking at list of potentials that Gaius had sent over. Chad was quite enjoying being in the loop once more, he missed the professionalism. He figured it would last a month or so before he was annoyed by it.

"Good to know," Chad said. "Wait, Ackles? Oh that fucker. He was down here shooting Dawson's our first season. He's a dick."

"Which means that he's professional and wouldn't go to that dirty barn that you call a strip club," Jared replied with a laugh. "He's cool. We're going to have fun. He’s got a wicked sense of humor."

"Good, good," Chad said absentmindedly. "How's Sandy?"

Chad could hear his smile and started to get a little worried at the monumental task before him.

"She's good," Jared said almost shyly. "She misses me up here, but she makes up for it when we're together."

Chad switched tactics. "So what do you think of my co-star Hillarie?"

**

"Ackles," Chad said, narrowing his eyes.

"Murray," Jensen said, a little confused at the hostility.

Chad tried to remember exactly where the hostility came from. He wondered if he had made up something about Jensen in his head and decided to hate him for it. Then he dismissed the thought. He was sure it was just something he couldn't remember.

Chad was visiting their set; Jensen was all about his new friend and his old friend becoming friends. Chad thought this very unlikely. He was a selfish bastard, but he didn't begrudge Jared a friend.

Much.

To his consideration Jensen turned out to be a very big cock block. Chad was trying to see if any of the lovely Vancouver women would fit Jared better. 

Jensen seemed to take it as a mission to charm them away from Jared.

"What the fuck man," Chad hissed. "That girl was totally into him."

"He's got a great girlfriend," Jensen replied, very very confused. "Just looking out for him. Why are you trying to make him do something he shouldn't."

Jensen was starting to think that Chad was a bit of a douche. 

Chad hated Jensen even more now than his made up reasons.

Because the answer he couldn't give was it was the end of the world if he didn't find Jared someone else.

Chad had no idea when he cared about such things, but suddenly he did.

**

Sophia didn't buy the whole 'I'm looking for a girl for Jared’ thing; she knew he was with Sandy, and asked for a divorce. She did not appreciate him scoping out every girl they passed. Chad would have been devastated, but he was a little preoccupied.

"There really is a lack of decent women in this world," Chad sighed.

"Well you shouldn't have let the one who put up with you get away," Jared informed him.

"Keep the one you've got," Jensen told Jared wisely.

Chad glared because where ever Jared was these days so was Jensen. They were in LA, they didn't have to be together, but they were. It was like conjoined twins. They were always fondling each other on the carpet, laughing at jokes that nobody else understood, and talking about the meaning of life in a language that was English, but a form of it unfamiliar to Chad.

Jensen seriously was standing in the way of Chad finding Jared a new love. Even Sandy would be easier to circumnavigate. Jensen was just so goddamned protective of Jared.

Chad seethed.

There really was no way to dislodge Jensen from Jared either. Anytime he tried to make a slight against Jensen, Jared would get that hurt look.

Jensen was going to always be the hero.

Chad glared at Jensen.

"Dude," Jared finally said. "I can love you both. You're both pretty."

"Fuck off and die," Chad said.

Jared gave him a noogie.

"Jensen says that you are jealous of our bromance," Jared told him.

"Jensen has an elevated sense of importance," Chad muttered.

Jared just smiled at Jensen across the room, getting drinks, a far away smile.

Yep, thought Chad. Jensen Ackles has just ruined the universe by being the bestest friend in the world.

Chad pouted. 

He had started that whole trend, but Chad was really beginning to get worried that Jensen was being a better friend and looking better while doing it.

That did not settle well with Chad.

**

"How's it going?" Gaius said, popping in during Chad's bubble bath.

Chad looked up at him witheringly. "Unless you want to help me out with back scrubbing or full frontal fondling then please go away. I've tried to see if he would like any chick in the known universe and he is stuck on Sandy. We make really good Eternal Love shots."

Gaius tapped his watch. "You have six months to break them up. She has to be ready then. The fate of the world depends on it."

Gaius disappeared.

Chad hated the world, hated Sandy, hated just about everything.

So that was the weekend that Jared proposed.

**

"Well fuck," Chad said getting drunk at Jared's engagement party, because it looked like the world was going to end because Jared was happy.

He was a terrible friend because he was actively looking to break Jared’s heart.

He decided he was going to be drunk until the end of time now, which shouldn’t be long. He was contemplating brining back orgies. It had kind of caught on in the seventies, but he was trying to formulate a new plan, one that would make orgies socially acceptable in a wide spread way again.

Chad so missed orgies.

“This world bites,” He muttered.

"Sing it brother," Jensen said coming to sit morosely by him.

Chad was a little shocked. "I thought you were psyched about this."

Jensen looked up at Jared, glowing with his tiny perfect woman.

"I am."

Chad stared at him. "I don't believe you."

"She's awesome," Jensen told him.

Chad narrowed his eyes. Something was amiss here. He did what he did second best and ordered him and Jensen shots.

"Why do you cock block him?" Chad said. Everyone had gone home and for the first time he was choosing to hang out with Ackles.

Jensen shrugged and played with the shot glass in front of him.

"Better the one you know then the one you don't," Jensen said far too sagely.

Chad sighed, because apparently Solo Jensen was not funny and the life of the party, Solo Jensen was melancholy and philosophical. Chad kind of liked this Jensen better, funny Jensen really was too perfect to deal with.

Another round of shots was in order.

Much later, when Jensen was mumbling and Chad was trying to calculate how much more Jensen could take before alcohol poisoning came on, the truth finally came out.

" 's just thass she likes me," Jensen muttered, barely able to sit up. " 'f he getss a girl who doesn't I go boop. I want to stay floating 'round be a mosquito to his bug zapper. Ya know? I can ‘ave him if she’s there."

Chad attempted to translate this. Fortunately for him he was excellent at drunken translations.

Jensen's eyes were so open, Chad wished he would shut them because he was learning something here that was just so...

...well pretty. 

Chad looked at him objectively.

Jensen was a good looking man, annoyingness aside. Chad could work with this. It really wasn't going to be that hard. Jensen was already there and Jared seemed to think that the sun rose and set on his shoulders and the stars came out at his command.

Chad sat up.

He needed a montage.

**

Before he could montage he had to get Jensen home and make sure that the potential savior of mankind didn't die of alcohol poisoning.

Chad lifted enough alcohol from his blood stream that he would be very hung over, but that there was no chance to die from it.

Plus he didn't need Jensen to ask pesky questions about how he got home, seeing as he didn’t have time to do anything but teleport right now.

**

"I need a montage!" Chad said busting into Gaius' office.

Gaius was brushing his teeth in the nude.

"Turn about is fair play," Chad said superiorly.

Two minutes later they were on a couch, both fully clothed, watching the most premium of flat screens.

Chad had popcorn.

They watched the montage of Jensen and Jared.

Slowly they both became engrossed because this had happened under their noses and didn't compute.

"I think you're homophobic," Chad said eyes glued to the screen wondering how Gaius had missed this.

"I think you think too much about sex, this is love asshole," Gaius replied. "And I haven't been with a woman, unless you count your mother, in a millennia."

"Keep talking like that and you never will," Chad said.

"Holy..." 

They were glued to the screen as a drunk Jared, clad only in boxers was manhandled into bed by a very clothed Jensen.

"They're gonna make out," Chad said in hushed awe.

They didn't.

What happened next was one of Jared's long hands reaching out and touching Jensen's lips. Then one finger tracing the freckles on his cheek.

"Good night, Jared," Jensen said, voice heavy with want and regret.

"Night," Jared said lustfully, drunk and tired.

Chad did not look at Gaius. Gaius did not look at Chad.

For all their posturing they were still Cupids. This was Cupid porn.

"I'm gonna..." Chad said, making to teleport.

"Yeah...deal with this later," Gaius said in a ridiculously strained voice, and this time not from wanting to bash Chad's head in.

**

So it took them two weeks to do what they hadn't been able to do in three years.

Chad had no idea when he started to think of Gaius and himself as a team.

It was simple. 

Make it so that Jared had to choose between Sandy and Jensen.

It was done instantly and the decision made so finally that Gaius and Chad felt a little guilty.

Sandy moved out and had the potential to move on. It looked as if things were going okay.

Gaius met Chad one day.

"You do know that they're going to take until the end of time," Gaius pointed out.

"Hey your work here is done," Chad said. "Your girl is free. Yet you are still interested in my boy?"

"But look, love...true love....triumphing all arrows we could ever make," Gaius said.

Then Gaius looked at Chad. He thought for a moment.

"Jensen needs some deep dicking," Gaius finally said, resigned to Chad's level, what would get Chad's attention.

Chad perked up. "You think he's going to be the one taking it too? Right? Just too pretty."

Gaius inwardly groaned. He was doing what needed to be done because he was a Cupid and he liked love outside of the Plan. It seemed more honest that way.

**

Chad's master plan consisted of getting Jared and Jensen drunk and hoping that hormones took over.

Gaius' master plan had spread sheets.

They went with Gaius' plan.

**

They tapped Misha, who was superhuman and a son of a god, who was playing a human, who was playing an angel.

It made Chad's head hurt to think about, but then again so did all of Gaius' plan. Gaius wanted to lay ground work and make it a sure long term thing.

He got some muses to influence Erik Kripke and Sera Gamble, to add more characters, to give them more time.

"You know this is a lot of work for some non important already in love people," Misha remarked, he liked to pop in and talk to Chad. He would talk about Jensen and Jared’s shenanigans. Misha was kind of annoying in a morally superior way.

Both Chad and Gaius looked at him with utter disgust.

But it was Chad that was the clincher.

"Oh Jared is such a mess," Chad bemoaned to Jensen, who he had taken in the habit of calling. He had been watching Jewish mothers to get the tone just right.

"What do you mean?" Jensen asked, immediately worried.

Chad began to think that he did too much research, this was too easy.

"I mean he's all heartbroken, living in that big house alone," Chad sighed. "I really don't know how he's going to survive."

Chad grimaced; even he thought he was going overboard.

Jensen was too distraught to care.

"Fuck," he swore. "What should I do?"

Chad blinked. This was way way too easy.

"Uh, move in down stairs," Chad said hesitantly.

"Okay," Jensen said immediately.

Chad took the phone away from his ear and looked at it and put it back to his ear.

"Maybe you should make it seem like his idea," Chad suggested.

"No prob," Jensen said. Chad could hear his mind already working.

"Okay bye," Chad said, feeling that his mission was done and feeling like it was a bit anticlimactic.

"Thanks Chad," Jensen said softly. "I didn't think that you liked me. I'm glad you trust me to take care of him."

Chad put down the phone. It had to be possessed or something.

**

At the end of the summer Jared and Jensen moved in together. They had co-stars and they were both happier and freer than Chad could ever remember them being. Misha was doing a great job of pushing them together more and they were flirting outrageously on and off camera.

Misha treated it like a joke though and so did the boys. Chad was getting suspicious of Misha’s effectiveness, but it was getting done.

"Who was the dude who said something about true love never running smoothly?" Chad asked Gaius after he had hung up with Jared, who had talked about Jensen for an hour and a half.

"Shakespeare," Gaius replied.

"Shakespeare was an ass," Chad muttered.

"Most definitely," Gaius agreed. "Plus that man had halitosis something awful."

**

There was one tiny kink in Gaius' spread-sheeted plan.

Jensen and Jared still thought they were just friends.

**

Half way through season four Chad got the call that made his heart stop.

The ground work had been laid, everything was all set, they were just waiting for Jensen and Jared to get around to it.

"I think I'm ready to date," Jared told him softly. "You know my co-star Gen?"

And Chad's mind shorted out. He liked Genevieve and all, but hell no.

He hung up the phone.

He dialed Jensen's number.

"For the love of fucking Christ," Chad growled into the phone. "You're an idiot. You are the biggest fuckhead in the known universe. I'm going to get on a plane and kick your oblivious ass."

"Hi Chad," Jensen said warily.

"All he ever talks about you," Chad said. "All he's talked about for the last four years is you. Please, please, please, he's going to start dating again and I really can't go through this again. Also I hate you for making me the voice of reason."

"Jared?" Jensen asked.

Chad breathed in. He had screwed someone from Nepal more than once, that was so like he had studied in a mystical yoga thing that would provide calm from breathing.

"Jared's not interested in guys," Jensen told him like it was obvious.

The calm thing didn't work.

"Jared loves guys," Chad almost shouted. "He didn't tell you because you told him that everybody tries to screw you and he wanted you as a friend more than he wanted you on your knees. Before Sandy Jared was very flexible about his sexuality, I'm his fucking best friend; you don't think I saw him into an orgy or two? Never he and I mind you, never. But he's never minded all the cock before."

Jensen was quiet and Chad was in a monologing mood.

"God the boy loves cock, he loves pussy too, he's not picky," Chad seethed. "You know why he's picky about? People he has to spend time with. You know who he wants to spend time with more than anyone else - you. He’s fucking loyal. Would you like me to be more obvious? Do you need the dumbed down version? He's nuts about you, he thinks you hung the moon and the stars and that they dance every time you open your mouth, if you ever felt anything for him and there might even remotely be a chance in all fucking hell please go upstairs tell him you love him and do whatever pining you two need to do to make this okay. Because if you don't he's going to move on and I'm tired of you two and your fucking bullshit."

Chad ended the call and threw his cell phone against the wall.

**

Chad thought that true love was a sham.

Gaius found him and handed him a cell phone.

"Call Jared," he said simply.

Chad glared the glare of a thousand daggers.

Gaius had that look so Chad called Jared, it was on the last ring was picked up tiredly.

"Hi," Chad said with a pout.

"Oh Chad," Jensen said, sheets rustling, I thought this was my phone.”

Chad cocked his head. "Please tell me how wrong you were about Jensen liking dick."

Jensen was silent and Chad could hear his blush from the other side of the continent.

"What did you say to Jensen," Jared asked curiously, coming on to the phone.

Chad was doing a jig.

"Nothing," Chad said innocently as he could.

"Jensen said you called him and yelled at him earlier today," Jared said, and there was a little laugh in there.

"I just want you to be happy," Chad said as meekly as he knew how.

Chad heard a little kissing and he hoped to hell it was lips. One on one naked time was really not his thing, it made him nauseous.

"Thank you," Jared said softly.

Chad put down his phone, smile on his face.

"I've missed this," Chad sighed. "I think I'm going to quit Hollywood and go back into Cupiding full time, you know bring back the orgy, I think it is time."

Gaius looked at him with a grin. "Need a partner? The spreadsheet on multiple partners sounds heavenly."

Chad nodded and clapped his shoulder. "Gaius I feel that this is the start to a beautiful friendship.


End file.
